Sunday, May 17, 2009

Heaven help us: a pictorial primer for Ron Howard's Angels and Demons

See Tom Hanks.
Tom is torn between good and evil.

This is the Vatican,
home of the Catholic church,
and the Pope.
It is also the setting for Angels and Demons.
Thanks to the plot taken from the Dan Brown novel,
the Vatican has much skullduggery going on.
Skullduggery, skullduggery, skullduggery,
And the secret society known as the Illuminati
last seen in Tomb Raider,

has now kidnapped 5 preferrati Cardinals
after the Pope's death.


The Italian police keep finding men burning
in churches and stuff.
The Italians need help.
So where do the Italians go
in search of their savior?
To America, of course!

This is Robert Langdon,
the Catholic Church's savior.
Robert is played by the likable
but jowly Tom Hanks.
As a Harvard professor of symbology,
he's a bit like Indiana Jones,
minus the hat, the smirk,
and the ability to fight Nazis.
Even though Robert is happy
to help the Vatican,
he does not believe in God.
Quelle irony!


See Robert Langdon and Vittoria Vetra look up.
Vittoria (Ayelet Zurer) gets involved
due to some complicated subplot
involving antimatter
that can explode like a bomb.
Robert and Vittoria search through Rome
for the secrets of the Illuminati
to save the kidnapped Cardinals.
They are not, however, romantically involved,
because she's a little young for Hanks,
and besides there's too much skullduggery
for any brief moment of hanky panky.

Now, Rome can be a great place,
a place where you can eat great meals,
like this bowl of spaghetti carbonara,
but Robert and Vittoria don't have time to eat
thanks to the film's breakneck suspenseful pace
and pounding heavenly choir soundtrack,
and the ever-present possibility of another
dead Cardinal appearing in a most awkward place.
All Robert and Vittoria have time for
is to run and find clues
in various churches.
Run, run, run.

Here's Robert running some more.


Curiously enough, Robert finds most of many of clues
from pointing religious statues.


Will Robert and Vittoria find those evil Illuminati
before they kill all of the Cardinals?
Will the new Pope ever be elected
with the sign of the white smoke?


I won't say, but you can bet
that things get really exciting
with many plot twists
and clues deciphered
and lots of old men on fire

before you'll arrive at the thrilling
apocalyptic climax of Angels and Demons.

5 comments:

hokahey said...

I enjoy your pictorial primers for silly movies like Wolverine and Angels & Demons. You clearly point out some of the film's pervading elements: running, pointing statues, and old burning Catholics. Your post shows how movies like these reduce our minds to an obtuse infantile state.

FilmDr said...

Thanks, Hokahey. I enjoyed your five fears list on Angels and Demons as well. Talk about alarming: the theater was packed (!?) on a Sunday afternoon, and the man sitting next to me kept announcing the next plot twist with the assurance of someone who has read the book. Who are these Dan Brown fans? Angels and Demons has one of the most forced plots of anything I've seen all year. Tom Hanks has to keep rushing around to gloss the fact that there's really nothing going on.

Sam Juliano said...

LOL Film Dr!!!!

I love the way you put this all together! That spaghetti carbonera dish looks mightly good though! I saw the film over the weekend, and I do agree with you that in the end there is really nothing going on! Ugh! Cardinals setting themselves on fire. And I had my kids there too, as my 12 year-old Sammy, wanted to attend for his birthday. I think this film was even worse than DA VINCI CODE.

I have my fingers crossed though on your reaction to STAR TREK. I agree with the spectacular favorable critical concensus myself.

Sam Juliano said...

Film Dr:

I tried to leave a comment at hokahey's site, but the settings are too restrictive, and it wouldn't go through without a google account. I tried with that but it wouldn't navigate.

FilmDr said...

Thanks, Sam,

The more I think about the way Angels and Demons uses its ersatz Vatican poshlust for the usual pop blend of kidnappings, dead bodies, last-second deadlines, and speedy detective cliches, the more I am appalled by the whole thing. Angels and Demons is truly egregious crap.

That's odd about Hokahey's blog restrictions though. I know that he screens blog comments, but I've never had any trouble entering a comment.