Wednesday, November 21, 2012
"I finally found that I could shine": A pictorial primer on The Twilight Saga: Breaking Dawn - Part 2
This is Edward Cullen.
He tends to grin sheepishly,
grin, grin, grin,
and act polite as a dreamboat vampire should.
When asked what it was like to play Edward,
Robert Pattinson replied:
"It's like a mixture of looking slightly
constipated and stoned."
Behind Edward, see the Volvo S60 T6
that figures prominently in
The Twilight Saga: Breaking Dawn Part 2,
because, as it says in the ad,
It's the "best choice for one sexy vampire."
This is Bella Swan.
She has more to do in this fifth Twilight movie
because Edward turned her into a vampire,
so she hunts in the woods for deer or bobcat,
just slightly ripping her blue dress.
Edward and Bella have a new computer-generated
baby named Renesmee
who will later cause a big battle between the Cullen coven
and the black-robed Volturi on a snowy plain
near Forks, Washington
because the Twilight series needs a big climax.
See Jacob Black hanging out with Bella and Renesmee.
He really doesn't have much to do now
since Bella married and reproduced.
She engages in epic tireless PG-13 vampire lovemaking
with Edward (with mope rock accompaniment)
in a bed they don't need for anything else
(since vampires don't sleep). They make out
for hours, days, weeks, months on end.
One would think that Jacob would find that annoying
and go somewhere else,
but the Twilight author Stephenie Meyer
keeps him involved somehow
for the Team Jacob fans. Jacob hangs around
hangs around, hangs around, hangs around,
trying to think of a reason to take off his shirt.
This is Bella's dad, Charlie.
He's the sole recognizable human left in the Twilight series.
As the Chief of Police of Forks, Washington,
Charlie is curiously unaware
of all the vampire/werewolf activity going on
around him for five movies' worth of plot lines,
but it doesn't matter, because
Bella is a vampire with a special "shield" power.
Alice Cullen can see the future.
Another relative can shoot
electric bolts out of her hands.
Even Renesmee has a special power!
Humans are so passe nowadays.
See the Cullen coven with some Amazonian vampires,
who show up to fight the Volturi.
The Cullens assemble a multi-ethnic bunch
of "witnesses," vampires who stand around,
stand around, stand around, stand around,
waiting for the Volturi to show up.
See the Volturi with Aro (Michael Sheen)
who acts like a deranged Napoleon.
See Jane (Dakota Fanning)
who tags along for the tween market.
The Volturi are Italian vampires
who pattern themselves on the Spanish Inquisition
which makes one wonder if Stephenie Meyer
has some Mormon anti-Catholic ax to grind.
See Edward, Bella, and Jacob run,
run, run, run
across the snowy plain
to protect little Renesmee
from those evil Volturi.
Watch them PG-13 fight ,
fight, fight, fight
by flying around with their special powers
bloodlessly pulling off each other's heads.
Regardless of what happens
during the climactic fight scene
on the snowy field near Forks, Washington,
what matters is the enduring pastoral love
between Edward and Bella as they snuggle,
snuggle, snuggle, snuggle
in the flowery sunlit field,
with Bella saying "Nobody's ever loved anyone
as much as I've loved you."
Bella and Edward remain
united in their tireless vampiric PG-13 canoodling
for hours, days, weeks, months, and years
(with mope rock accompaniment).