Wednesday, November 21, 2012

"I finally found that I could shine": A pictorial primer on The Twilight Saga: Breaking Dawn - Part 2

This is Edward Cullen.
He tends to grin sheepishly,
grin, grin, grin,
and act polite as a dreamboat vampire should.
When asked what it was like to play Edward,
Robert Pattinson replied:
"It's like a mixture of looking slightly
constipated and stoned."
Behind Edward, see the Volvo S60 T6
that figures prominently in
The Twilight Saga: Breaking Dawn Part 2,
because, as it says in the ad,
It's the "best choice for one sexy vampire."

This is Bella Swan.
She has more to do in this fifth Twilight movie
because Edward turned her into a vampire,
so she hunts in the woods for deer or bobcat,
just slightly ripping her blue dress.

Edward and Bella have a new computer-generated
baby named Renesmee
who will later cause a big battle between the Cullen coven
and the black-robed Volturi on a snowy plain
near Forks, Washington
because the Twilight series needs a big climax.

See Jacob Black hanging out with Bella and Renesmee.
He really doesn't have much to do now
since Bella married and reproduced.
She engages in epic tireless PG-13 vampire lovemaking
with Edward (with mope rock accompaniment)
in a bed they don't need for anything else
(since vampires don't sleep). They make out
for hours, days, weeks, months on end.
One would think that Jacob would find that annoying
and go somewhere else,
but the Twilight author Stephenie Meyer
keeps him involved somehow
for the Team Jacob fans. Jacob hangs around
hangs around, hangs around, hangs around,
trying to think of a reason to take off his shirt.

This is Bella's dad, Charlie.
He's the sole recognizable human left in the Twilight series.
As the Chief of Police of Forks, Washington,
Charlie is curiously unaware
of all the vampire/werewolf activity going on
around him for five movies' worth of plot lines,
but it doesn't matter, because
Bella is a vampire with a special "shield" power.
Alice Cullen can see the future.
Another relative can shoot
electric bolts out of her hands.
Even Renesmee has a special power!
Humans are so passe nowadays.

See the Cullen coven with some Amazonian vampires,
who show up to fight the Volturi.
The Cullens assemble a multi-ethnic bunch
of "witnesses," vampires who stand around,
stand around, stand around, stand around,
waiting for the Volturi to show up.

See the Volturi with Aro (Michael Sheen)
who acts like a deranged Napoleon.

See Jane (Dakota Fanning)
who tags along for the tween market.
The Volturi are Italian vampires
who pattern themselves on the Spanish Inquisition
which makes one wonder if Stephenie Meyer
has some Mormon anti-Catholic ax to grind.

See Edward, Bella, and Jacob run,
run, run, run
across the snowy plain
to protect little Renesmee
from those evil Volturi.
Watch them PG-13 fight ,
fight, fight, fight
by flying around with their special powers
bloodlessly pulling off each other's heads.

Regardless of what happens
during the climactic fight scene
on the snowy field near Forks, Washington,
what matters is the enduring pastoral love
between Edward and Bella as they snuggle,
snuggle, snuggle, snuggle
in the flowery sunlit field,
with Bella saying "Nobody's ever loved anyone
as much as I've loved you."
Bella and Edward remain
united in their tireless vampiric PG-13 canoodling
for hours, days, weeks, months, and years
(with mope rock accompaniment).    


Hokahey said...

Enjoyed the fun here, especially the "new computer-generated baby." I saw it last weekend with my daughter. With all the crowds, it was clear to see how Breaking Dawn 2 has single-handedly turned the year into a successful one for the industry.

Some of my seniors were all excited and had seen it on Thursday night. They had seen Twilight when I taught them as 8th graders; and I had seen New Moon with them at the midnight showing when they were in 9th grade. (This year there was a 10:00 pm showing. Darn!) So, for them, a saga is over. For me, glad it's over, and beware of the upcoming Divergent (What a boring book! Even my Twilight groupies think it's lame) franchise and the inevitable Matched franchise! Save me! Oh, and don't forget the other two Hunger Games movies.

FilmDr said...

Renesmee took various odd forms as she got older. Mackenzie Foy is 12, so she looked normal at that age, but the rest of the time, she seemed to me a CGI face grafted on to various bodies, and no one in the movie noticed. As long as the filmmakers keep the romantic dream of the series going, then people will watch any kind of bizarro incongruity, cheesy special effect, and narrative convenience. Edward, Bella, and Co. need to look cool, but nothing else seems to matter. As in the later Potter films, what matters (I guess) is the class reunion of beloved characters.

Judith Webb said...

I saw Twilight: Breaking Dawn 2 by accident (foolishing misread the programme) and thereby contributed to its success. I feel shame. I cannot believe how awful it is.

FilmDr said...

I still can't help that films like Breaking Dawn Part Two transcend terms like awful or good. It has its own category: nostalshlock? I just wish that the filmmakers included all of the special effects in one scene. Bella would zap around the room as she beamed an air-distorting shield indiscriminately as that other guy knocked a crevice in the floor as someone else shot electric bolts or slithery clouds from her hands--all at once. Why hold back?